level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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