..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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