i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
