Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
