I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
