just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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