I accidentally had phone sex last night
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I fill condoms, not promises.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
