Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
