ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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