I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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