i just wanna soil my oats bro
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
