ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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