why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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