I love how my cats smell like pot.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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