I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
