im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize