Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
