I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
