i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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