ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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