hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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