the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
