you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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