Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
