Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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