My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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