Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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