I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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