did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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