i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
