i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
