I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
