Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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