I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
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