I smell stomach acid.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
