woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
