its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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