Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
