If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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