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Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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