Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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