thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
