I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
