I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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