hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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