Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
