Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
