My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
