Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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