I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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