i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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