you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
