I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize