Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
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