My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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