Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
