i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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