that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
