Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
