You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
