someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
