I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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