Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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