So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
