Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
