I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize