Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
