Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
