I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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