Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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