...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
