I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
it's like heaven, but drunker
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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